______________________
september 11 2003

so in this interim of time while i'm neither here nor there, i've got some bizarre time to myself to think.
of what.
of what.
the little one is at home - growing in my absence.
i stare at her pictures thru this screen and wonder who she is - do i know her anymore? it's true, she's grown online while i wasn't watching. and who is she. she is someone else when i'm not watching, that's the weird part. and the same for me, which leaves me two people.

9/11

swedish foreign minister dies of stab wounds

two children
two years

______________________
august 23 2003

writing online just isn't what it used to be; the novelty of baring one's soul in cyberspace has eroded into a kind of collective soup-pile fading into the scribblings of the digital cave with the rest of history. i keep thinking that the little one will be upset that i wasn't writing tomes during her infancy, but perhaps she will be even moreso fascinated by the writings i have left behind before she even set forth.
What would i tell her now, if i could? i would tell her still of the cool august breezes filling the house, of the neighbours celebrating someone else's birthday and their joyous voices, alive and ringing through our window; of cousin's visits and the sheer excitement of kate's pending arrival and the whole new world that awaits us when i shortly return to work - somewhere i feel is my rightly place.






______________________
  July 29 2003

inside the city; are more city microcosms. i see them more clearly now;
from the west going east, less transient to more transient; the non-movers
have been here longer; they are more accustomed to stasis; they desire and need
less interaction, they crave stability. whereas the more transients; still slightly
destabilized themselves, require frequent interaction (and have less money) in
their new environment, in order to suss out their place; define themselves; and
prepare themselves for stability.
i group ourselves with the latter; not because we are inherently transient (not to say
we haven't had our moments) but because we are essentially travellers. we enjoy
movement, diversity, i thrive on watching people who push limits, who aren't afraid of the
unkown. in fact, the sign on our door says 'destination unkown', i guess there's a reason for that.

only recently, in fact, today, while thinking of Sabrina, have i come to truly understand
why so many have likened this life to a dream. i can't imagine why i've always been
fascinated with that concept, if this is the first true reason i can fathom to see it so.
not because such bad things usually only happen in dreams, no, not for that reason,
but because it's still so unbelievable to me; something i can't understand, and so how
can anyone be expected to relate to such a thing as if it were real life?

   ______________________
  July 17 2003

i guess this was a long time to wait to learn about children; such an integral part of so many people's
lives from many young ages. it formed them and not me. some of these lessons are new, some are not.

it's windy in this july; bringing airs from all over and singing the glorious sounds of movement in the
trees, chiming from the pipes, and the dreamy evanescance that only real summer brings.





   ______________________
  July 11 2003

one of those every threeweekly-occurances where the house is clean; the laundry is running;
i've eaten, read and sent email and two newspapers, and the child still sleeps. she catches up
every so often. z z z z z z

she stirs. as precious as they are, these moments don't last long.



   ______________________
  July 10 2003

"i'm getting older too"

-Stevie Nicks, 1975

predominantly, i'm feeling like i'm getting older these days.
a funeral for a woman who lived a full one-hundred years
puts things in perspective. she was my age in 1940. some
live two, some one hundred. everyone else, it's anyone's
guess.




   ______________________
  July 07

i'm fascinated by people of extreme conviction. hassidic jews, nuns, mountain-climbers,
even the larouche guys peddling 'impeach cheney' flyers on the corner of the street.
to be so dedicated; to anything.

______________________
July 04

she's nearly one. could i stop her now - aging, so young, and never to zero again.
now that's the difference between zero and one!

so nanny-hunting hopefully at an end; the liverpudlian will bring giggles into the house.



______________________
July 02

zen teaches us to live the moment; to release all curdling thoughts of yesteryear,
next thursday, or september, no matter how unconscious this process may be.
there's a way that the western world accomplishes this - and it's through work.

i'm muddled alright. there's too many choices in a free life; and vastly not enough
brainspace to get even half of them right in between not having a moment to practice my flute solo and stopping the hedge-trimming guy from butchering my
back yard.

and how does july disappear before it even appears? arggggh.

back to zen.

 

_______________________
July 01
a lovely canada day was spent by all under the tent with plenty.