OCTOBER

September 30
 

SOON OCTober arrives marking 6 years of mEpping. I suppose soon there will be awards for that sort of thing. then it won't have mattered what i've written or how much it doesn't fit into their worlds...
 
 
 
 
 
 

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  September 27                                                                        one month to baptism

late september and i've reason to believe this idyllic european-style weather will continue.
9.35am, fasting, blood-tested already, i sit with java feeling i've accomplished something
very early in the day. each sip over my morning-mouth tongue a divine pleasure.

spending lots of time in the daytime city - feeling 'in the television know' - Lord how i used
to frown upon the irrelavancies that tv-watching coorces one to espouse - but also in a vacation-like state wandering along undiscovered corners of streets previously familiar only by car. whether grappling with construction crews; fondly perceiving the private school children in the same way i did when i was 18; passing the same old man two weeks in a row, many times now a profound europeanism has washed through me. there's a laissez-faire about it, an openess, an opposite to anal-retentiveness, it's very difficult to word-ize and you can only see it if you know it. and it's really brought to life by  the ever-so-slightly crisp september air.

and the flowers that are young and old women passing me, each with their own personalized nectar that is the combination of them plus whichever bottle and advertising campaign called out to them; as the wind passes through their freshly-showered hair and leaves a trail so delicate, of perfume that fills my senses and paints my own primal remembrances. familiar, yet unique.

perceptions - again, all we have, and so easily modified. they can make us young or old again; happy or sad; deeply moved, coldly shallow.  i only wish i could more easily bring about those circumstances that modify them. with each passing year, the venus perspective works less and less.

the little one sleeps.
the cool air inspires.
the slow steady injection of caffeine into my body wakes me up feeling very, very big.
that is the perception that allows me to write.
i can't imagine life without it.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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September 24

turns out i saw the very first episode of 'Dr. Phil' without even knowing it.
it's official, i'm a mother :-)
 

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i'll tell you what they didn't tell you about motherhood; the warmth of her body against my chest as i hold her; and that i would find her smiling in the dark at the 4am feeding...
 

lithe /laiõ flexible supple

so i'm laying there on my sticky mat inside the glass windows, just feet away from the heat and dust of the midday trucks passing, and i'm trying to relax while a significant portion of 16 babies squeal, cry, and make other unimaginable sounds in a baby cacophany.

and i thought walking along the serviceroad was going to be noisy.

and i'm reminded of the statistics i once heard about the percentage of women in any group that are menstuting and wondered what are the numbers for babies crying?

ALTHOUGH often the first words you'll hear from me sound so, i'm not negative; it's just that for me the positive is inherent; it's built in; it doesn't need saying... sad that for so many it's needed...

my insatiable curioustiy has returned:  it's as if i've been e-set to zero, i'm actually interested in strangers again... and i feel like a student being let loose in the daytime world

wheelchair access or baby stroller access? either way, i now notice every single one.
space between the speed bumps to save one wheel, or stroller access?

the uniquness of each baby    struck me as i lay there, and i was reminded of leo buscaglia and the X factor that i was once so obsessed with...

and i thought i was going to be bored, how could i be with all these thoughts to keep me company?

later...

stranger outside the persian restaurant on a hot september night who sounded american and welcomed her into the world while the other woman stood back, quasi-uninterested... reminded me of the thiings i like about americans...i've been waiting for a stranger like her since toots was born...

mind you, it's often in the way you respond to people'scommments, sometimes i'm blank

but now there's more than i can keep track of; more than i know where to spill.
 

letter to city councilor about construction

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september 17

things i learned on TV and other recent life events

jamie-lee curtis wants to be soft, yet she barges onto the View set like a batouttahell and commandeers the entire interview so as to get her words in edgewise. reminded me of me not too too long ago. i have also espoused the softening process, as my child lays beside me pooping loudly... :-)

the child in the backseat who wants to go paintballing to his mother's disapproval, says:
"I have a life, but I can't live it" - yes in fact, quite profound.

and snootchie and i rest, we walk, we talk, and we summarize.

uniboob

drumming up the war effort - backdrop of Bush's recent tour read "building the economy"
and a million other mEp-words not writ.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 

how many times over can i become myself?
what should i do when i feel i need to defend myself?
what to say when people assume things of me, i'm not gentle enough then.

the child needs me.
 
 
 

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september 11

what's in a year
joy for some;
healing for others.

toots grows
america grows

cooler winds eerily frigid this morning, first rain in weeks.

the strength and resolve in prayer is more important than ever.