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  • poots is back! believe it .

    my    E l e c t r o n i c    pen ... the 2010 edition


    long, long, before the word 'blog' was a silicon twinkle... there was...

                    the mEp.com
                    the second decade

    october 15.... 2010

    fivethirty am

    i'm up. the entire house sleeps; fish alike
    mEpwords abound
    java percolates
    poots is back.

    fireworks in all directions point at the same space
    inside, i'm twelve again
    wake up, little poots, look around, take stock
    it's been a while
    and miraculously, the littlest one is hungry
    on this day
    this day.

    was that sleep i had
    or merely altered states
    keep adding poots, keep adding

    and so, beauty is now mine to find. mine.
    this flatter stomach takes a breath
    and some focus comes
    shoulders down he called you little poots
    and you told him the story of the wallaby

    sip - both hands on the big mug today.

    momentarily, fear, and simultaneously joy
    how does one spell simultaneous
    those moments come back now
    those only created by trauma, and the only trauma i knew was dragging myself to california
    and back.
    it's the only inspiration i have now
    the smell of jet fuel at 5.30 am in el segundo
    in the dark
    i drove him to work
    what drove me to do that?

    but the drive along sepulveda; the long, long drive, wound with christmas, canyons, whole foods, and hermosa, ends here and now.

    it's not black and white

    october 14.... 2010

    awash in beauty; all around me
    it's everywhere i turned today
    surreal but there
    from louiseville to grandmont
    and to louise inside and out
    four hours of throbbing music;
    throbbing inside:
    throbbing out;

    running thru permutations, combinations, calculations
    someone, not knowing, has succeeded in more ways than one
    i can do the math
    i can add it up

    wednesday, october 13.... 2010

    ferris turned over a few leaves today...
    writing with certain trepidation
    at the end of a long day.

    feeling magical
    all over

    miners freed, keys found,
    poots will sleep tonight.

    Would you mind if I pretended we were somewhere else,
    doing something we wanted to,
    'Cause all this living makes me wanna do,
    is die because I can't live with you,
    and you don't even care.
    Would you mind if I pretended I was someone else,
    with courage in love and war.
    I use to think that's what I was,
    but now this lying hurts to much,
    and I don't know what for.

    I'm weak in the knees for you,
    but I'll stand if you want me to.
    My legs are strong and I'll move on,
    but hunny I'm weak, in the knees.

    Would you mind if I walked over and I kissed your face,
    infront of all your friends.
    Would you mind if I got drunk and said,
    I wanna take you home to bed,
    Oh would you change your mind?

    I'm weak in the knees for you,
    but I'll stand if you want me to.
    My legs are strong, and I'll move on,
    but hunny I'm weak, in the knees, for you

    serena ryder

    wednesday, october 13.... 2010

    poots, in her forty-fifth year, is determined to prove that she can work.
    work through arpeggios with kathrin;
    through nights of bad sleep with the mEp;
    and through daily life, a marriage, and anything else that might take some energy.
    it's mostly mind over matter
    everyone else does it, and more...

    but they have to, says cynthia. alas. and that was the comment that set me about here on sept.26

    "you've always been peddling downhill" were her words

    at 45, i'm determined to change that.
    what's the fun in downhill? what's the reward, even worse. and, what's the accolades. nothing.

    it's a zip zip zippy morning for poots on this wednesday. down faster, java, words, spit spot,
    and back upstairs quickly to shave those armpits.

    october 12.... 2010

    music to move me
    "i'm weak in the knees"
    books to haunt me

    a sleep to ruin me
    october 11

    we know what Selma thinks of happiness
    poots says through bad-sleep lip quivers
    the bottom of the cup comes faster on these kinds of days

    october 10.... 2010

    awake alone at eight fifty-four pm,

    a copy of 'Columbine' in hand,
    the hamster stirs as his nightly routine begins.

    deep breath, in. out.
    it's real, i'm back.

    it's the end of a headachy day for poots
    dancing night of oysters, a bonfire, too much vouvray, and a whole lot of people who spent too many hours on the champlain bridge.
    somehow the garage got cleaned!, the cantina re-orged, the cousins visited, and a whole many little tiny black things got strung,
    delicately, to dry. the whole world is preparing for the main event.

    so shake your head out poots; shake it dry;
    belly laughing with the cousins is good for the soul; and the hangover too
    and the big one doing some modern dance was a sight for all eyes to see,
    his comprehension of those movements and their interaction with the planet
    is the main reason you love him; no one else could understand that

    rona runs;
    poots slows down; eyes nearly closed;

    it's time to go and give thanks for your new mattress
    and everything castorlicious.

    october 8.... 2010

    bursting with juxtaposition - it's a beautifully photogenic day

    as poots makes her way

    a newness envelopes an oldness; mild canadian music serenades me while obaachan fries polish sausage in the kitchen...
    i can't explain why i call her obaachan; well i could, but i won't

    and driving about ndg in the rain in october
    the freshness of this old place comforts me;
    the privacy of it (pronounced privacy) a delicate balance
    a warm blanket amongst friends;

    it's only uniquely mine
    only uniquely yours; like dancers covered in white powder; we interact but we don't...

    interacting directly reminds me of ransacking my own room
    it's the only way i know how, if you don't...

    i'm intense
    maybe too intense, for most of you

    what do the new faces in those pictures think of me;
    we're all looking at me again together;
    is it someone i know, i used to know her

    and the precarious balance that is that which is in between new
    and old.

    it's an odd place to find yourself but i need to discover it
    and do something useful with it

    there are luxuries in life; many are mine;

    the one i treasure the most is this one.

    and that really is something i can't explain.

    2:51PM october 8 2010

    october 7.... 2010
    chocolate cakes and ACBIS upgrades swirl around poot's head ; amongst other things, and secrets.
    rainy morning on poot's street leaves the family still sleeping and poots cheating, the mug empty...

    plastic glasses, warming up, but very well rested, two days in a week.

    planning. maybe scheming. tantric yoga and places i've never been before

    would i really make a documentary? or would i just write it down...

    i can't say for sure. i know i would bring jillian with me

    poots, relax your shoulders; it's the best part, remember.

    remember all the advice they all gave you
    remember the good words, not the bad
    remember bill, carolyn, cindy,
    and then in a nidra/shoulder moment: discard them all, poof, they're gone.

    it's only you -
    and you, too.

    thrilled for this moment, thrilled for the new bed, thrilled for fall,
    wow, thrilled, that's thrilling.

    march your slightly flabby 45 year old frame upstairs now and move into the matrix for the day

    shoulders square; as they seem to be all of a sudden,

    voice sharp;

    head held high, at least for this day.

    because i think themEp is back

    and widely, deeply, a smile crosses my face and slighlty flabby body too.....

    september 26.... 2010
    another paperless sunday brings poots, red-mouthed, but well-dreamt and alone, to this place. lucky she.
    what is a paperless sunday, it's every sunday now, it's piles of saturday papers beside me, but yesterday's news.
    i'ts a perfect cup of java today, it's woken by a phone call from a dream where my camera didn't work just when i needed it to.

    otherwise, i had a cynthia story for you scribbled on the dashboard going 30 through westmount one day.
    it was about things you can tell someone whom you've known that long

    it was about how you can tell them things that only they would understand:

    that no one else interprets in the same way:
    and you didn't even have to tell them that they did
    they just know it
    and do it

    but i forget what it was
    and i've lost the paper i scribbled it on

    but i don't mind because since then there was sarah jones in the desert haunting us like an angel
    i don't mind because i'm here now, less than a week after it happened
    i don't mind cause she's coming to town and we're going to a Hundredth Birthday party!
    i don't mind cause i read two large papers yesterday, i drank some great wine last night,
    we talked about cars of all things, but we all talked, we even laughed.
    cause the fish is swimmin' and the hamster sleepin
    my head's not pounding
    and the java's good.

    september 19.... 2010
    all of a sudden - poof! - poots is paperless on sundays. how did it come to this?

    but it's nice to be alone here in my quiet corner.
    the rest of the place is still far too noisy and becoming moreso;

    an entire assortment of interesting things are transpiring
    inside; outside; and even all around us
    days tranform into winter, slowly, at a regular pace
    the little one transforms into a bigger one

    washing her hands
    combing her hair
    doing her homework
    as the hampster bites unexpectedly

    and all of a sudden - i have time to think.

    and so vast expanses of mind are in front of me
    empty; mostly
    i'm drawn to TED, to Urban ZEN, to The Webby Awards;

    still quiet here - poots is generally lost in jesse-world of late;
    some observations have poots firmly esconced in middle age;
    i need to remember that the little one is still little
    maybe i always thought older gentlemen were to be respected
    but somehow i'm not sure

    for the record
    the world around me is wet
    brighter - with a big door -
    but wet indeed for a superb may following

    there is no paper
    the family sleeps
    it's week-end; not tunnel's end

    "and all the days will wrap around our fingers: they'll hang around our hearts like bits of gold"
    "and every tear we counted, every memory that we thought would linger, dissapears oh it disappears"

    -jann arden

    so i think life is coming back, that is the bottom line.
    out with the Romanians for one; lively people;
    dundee is exciting, for a while,
    feeling like something interesting will happen
    recognizing the world around me
    sometimes there's not much time left
    and other times, anything is possible
    as i encourage her, show her things,
    i don't know much about them
    but they are there

    i can no longer keep all my wild thoughts in my head,
    would i wait 15 minutes for a second marshmallow, asks the mormon one
    i need to train her well
    and now folks, back to facebook

    may13.... 2010
    hey, it's not facebook; 

    maybe no one's watching (except you, simon)
    from a place where we wanted to be seen; now we are hovered over;

    picked apart; everyone's watching....
    it's what we wanted, no?

    no one is watching here;
    we can say what we feel
    feel what we think;
    it's the matrix now
    and they're all connected:
    they don't know it

    but they are

    how scary is that.

    is it like the old days;
    typing in ste anne de bellevue
    on the second floor
    with a bottle of port

    and james
    was watching

    now; for once; back where you were;
    it's late;
    it's dark;
    nothing has changed
    no matter
    where poots looks
    her old haunts are there

    and mostly
    is too

    can we get listed in fancy blog lists?
    we're not fancy anymore poots

    we were here then
    and we're still here
    that's a good thing, no?

    it's still the same peace.
    the same beauty.
    the same words.
    the same keyboard.
    the same me.
    the same not you.

    i like it

    jan 21 2010

    I had a dream
    itís a life we canít live
    buried under our stuff;
    from the outside looking in
    I wonder whoís on the inside
    and who knows reality


    14 2010
    second attempt


    things like singing and buying stocks have something in common; itís the things that connect all start-ups;
    the inertia to do something: itís either there or it isnít.


    do you have to really want it or can you convince yourself that you really want it in order to get what you think you want.

    I want to hit that note, but does my life depend on it? I still derive a lot of pleasure out of my own singing, imperfect as it may be.

    And, as for the 200,000 dollars, I guess I really donít want it badly enough.

    freedom comes from having the freedom to choose: not from being bound inside something: that makes me free now:
    so why is it not enough:



    jan 05 2010


    the mEp

    1996 - 2010