omicron december                                  2021

december 23

no sleighbells dingaling around here
no giddyup let's go

my title mEp shocked me, i did not forecast no Christmas
no panic
seven AM
in my private space
for words to fall
on an empty page.

seven 0 seven am

two sips of hot coffee
off to the can

christmas hits around december 23rd
when omicron hits
and presents are wrapped

december 16

nailed it.
already got a promotion.



december 10

fryday 9:46 am.

and lying.

lack of poetry in my brain
as i sneeze aloud
and tingle and ring

i know when the family parties start
without us.

i feel it in the air.

we do have our own rituals
with a tree that i do
and some cheese

some tequilla morning moments
have slapped me in the face;
as i ache and i sniffle
and i sneeze


however, it is all unwritable here:
not leaveable as a legacy:
words must remain unsaid.


december 9, 9:15am

32 years.
what has happened in 32 years.

should i vlog, is my question, what will my new career look like.
i have so much to say.

what would those fourteen women be doing today?
what would they have accomplished?
how many children would they have?
how much pain?
how much joy?

and does it cancel itself out in the end.....

Jillian Horton will always live inside me.

december 7, 3:58 PM

things zoomed on by.
hopefully omicron will as well.
burning hot in the afternoon and rushing to get this thought out.
ringing ears. tylenol.

dear Matt H,
lucky for me i have the cbc.

just now, when i dragged my big dog into the car with a headache from the cold and barking humping dogs at girouard
flipped on the radio and i wasn't sure what channel i was on, even though i always listen to 88.5
i left it where it was, because in less than 2 seconds, my heart was back in los angeles in 1998.
in another two seconds i was seeing the face of Jillian   horton
and for the next two minutes as i wished i could let my dad hear this music and wish ernie could hear any music,
i felt my entire life slowly pass through my heart as i forced myself to continue listening.
perhaps ernie wouldn't mind not hearing it, perhaps he really did not feel music in his body the way i do.
i need to convince myself this is true, because so much music causes me physical pain via the emotional depth of remembering
the past.

and this pain, is a gift.

<in between dec. 1 and dec. 7>

alot transpired.
i sold ernie's car
i don't want to talk about that
it was very painful
as usual
i just keep telling myself
maybe not really as painful for her as she makes it seem
because i can't imagine anyone feeling this pain.


nothing happened