january 30


when this pops up on my autoplay, it makes me stop whatever i'm doing, and pause. first, i just stop and wonder why i'm feeling so hard. then i'm lifted to somewhere. don't know where. then i wonder how music can do this and if it does it eo everyone. then i just conclude that this feeling defines life.


january 30

i guess i thought they would mature with me:
he and i used to have a superficial rlshshp but now i'm older and wiser
and i care about new things; things like other people's feelings
so the banter we used to make just doesn't cut it anymore
and well.

january 30

~winter flies

i can see the floor again
so i'll write
to have the time for the coffee to slowly activate each neuron and glial cells
is a luxury which i hold dear;
is that what fernando meant
when he said take time for you

and in between the spanish wine and the canadian espresso,
while the large dog barks for it's master in a snowstorm
the Swiss man snores, at 9:30 am
and i chew my cheeks between sips of tepid java.


i did not have anything specific to say:
sometimes that is mostly the case:
but i am alive

like the fruit flies i swat.

so in the set of dominoes
if one is removed
then the rest still stand.

january 24


guillermo, oh guillermo, you left us so soon
and today is a too soon day
our losing battle was won
our idyllic days were gone
but in the end we won
you and i.
we won
too late.

january 21


there are those who know no joy;
they clamor about their flats,
concerned with cleanliness
driven with shiny cars
and flat beds

a vacuum sucks it
in case a wisp of happiness overcomes
in case a crumb breaks them
exposing no joy

january 19

it's a complex emotion, for someone with few of them,
to watch people sit in place: in a chair or a Costco:
in their houses of houses, their churches of churches,
not really moving forward
nor knowing what forward really means
to maintain status quo at all cost
in the world that they know to be true
   while i reach out for the other side
   whether it's dark or if it's light
   brass or sticky
   even if it cuts me deep
as long as it is new and unchartered
but safe
i will go there
in search of the other side; embraces all of it's differences;
turning the apple from all sides, and even if the apple is shiny on both sides
or rotten to the core
i need to cut it apart
and know i tried.

january 17

If there were no dreams;
If a mountain's there we can tear it down
If it's much too high we'll just go around
-Neil Diamond

  january 15/16
                                                       mid-winter; in a dark house; with half a mess
Ms. Channing chats through electrons (and time) from the kitchen
while Brexit bereaves in alt-tab on twitter;
a frozen bent dead tree hangs in the dark living room
next to a pink couch
and ancient Swiss furniture
and me and my tawny port slump into a warm bed

a ten-year old pile sits next to me on the floor
notes from a job done as well as can be done
letters with six figure incomes
and mostly meaningless
in time.

encouraging words come from all sides


even from outside



                                                           january 15
                                                        it's a new day with a new plan
                                                            it's a tuesday with a new day

linkedin is completed
facebook check
twitter boring

unemployed and enjoying pure freedom
underwhelmed and enjoying a full kitchen
underdressed and enjoying a messy bed
underappreciated and

not enjoying that part.



                                                        january 14

         GuillermoKeg        could i write, in a fog, in the cold,     about Guillermo  my friend
        who continually pops in my mind;     as though my brain is processing this odd truth
                       from the many moments at the Keg;  fueled by Heineken and laughter and even the Swiss man remembers his poison   to the other places we ate, and drank
   that bright, French restaurant, on Peel street
          the weird blurry night at Vargo        where another ex friend called     the walks through McGill       the hundreds of walks through crowded food courts    the many warm summer evenings on the Keg Terrace

                                                 raise a Manhattan.        

                                                            and thank you to everyone who didn't reach out to me after reading the email:
                                                                            all of the people we worked with for ten years and couldn't be bothered to do a search on linkednin
                                                                                                    to send me your condolences

                                                                                                                thank you for letting me know that people really don't care.
                                                                                                                            it's a difficult pill to swallow
                                                                                                                                    but i'm always searching for the truth
                                                                                                                                                so thank you.




                                                january 12

                                    Do not live in the past. do not spend more time looking back than forward.


                                            Do not sit in a room watching other people live.
                                            Do not listen to Bryan Adams.
                                            There is a real life to live. It's here. It's now.
                                                    Live it.
                                            Do not keep doing the same things over and over.
                                            Do not keep reading the pamphlet.
                                            Find a new one.

                                            I have to talk about my friend Guillermo.
                                            because he is gone
                                            after all the many stories he repeated
                                            and over
                                                    he is still gone


                                        january 6 -

                                    this is a test of the time signal
                                            the time space continuum has a fold in it today
                                            bent hearts pump
                                            all wishing we could turn back a little bit of the time
                                            and said or done the right thing


                                                 january 4 - slept all night

                                    i'm organized. i'm slept.
                                                    4 days are done.

                                                                    messages before 8 am - messages of people who are reactive: sensors:
                                                                     sensors with feelings:
                                                    tabbing and humming old Cher songs, i look to this mug for some inspiration, and fail
                                                    how much caffeine can be required for a thought, afterall.
                                                    karma prevents me from saying so much
                                                    i could not finish my sensor diatribe: it's hard to be objective

                                                                        there is too much tabbing required
                                                                        it never used to be this way
                                                                        but it's working
                                                                        a crow cackles through a low, gray, sky
                                                                        the heater hums               in the city
                                                                           the family sleeps            plus one.