November 17, 2001
The Wonder Of It All
ROOTS. From whence we came. Humbling and vastly empowering at the same time. I kinda figured that for me, time started the moment I came to consciousness, self awareness. You know, when you were ... what, two, three years old? Since that moment on, the quest has been to determine what it is that makes me tick, what makes me happy? Where is the joy in life? Is it within or outside? Where do I come from? Does that really matter?
Well, it turns out it does. Denial and uncertainty have played a large enough role in my life to dominate a good portion of my decisions throughout life. Soul searching hasn't really been my forte, but i must say that hunches and gut feelings most certainly are. The only problem with hunches and gut feelings is that, if you are like me, you don't question your decisions more than is rationally necessary, but you DO question where those hunches come from. Why does the path of life not lead me down the path of least resistance, yet always deliver me to exactly where i hope to be ... in a funny sort of way. Once I get there, i say to myself "When did all this happen? what about all that shitty stuff? Why am I so fortunate to end up realising so many dreams, despite the plentiful opportunities to screw it all up real, real bad?"
Partly expectations, partly appreciation, and not so much luck as others would profess it to be. You certainly get the cards life deals you, but the hand is how you read it. I would ordinarily chastise myself for pompous self indulgent boasting, but that is not the intent. Nor is it accurate to say that all pursuits have not been without heavy sacrifices. Here are my three favourite things to sacrifice: Sacrifice of security (which is an illusion), sacrifice of certainty (which is a lie) and sacrifice of conformity (which is a sin).
After visiting the homeland and a history of passionate upheaval, as well as a bizarre period of "conformity" (i.e. Soviet occupation), I realise that my motivations and actions in life are not without basis in an inbred sense of yearning, uncertainty and the struggle to be an individual. Sacrifices have always been made in my people's history in the pursuit of passion and individuality. So I rear my head and defy anyone to tell me that everything thus far is attributable merely to luck.
I am grateful for everything and very, very proud. This kind of pride is only dangerous to those who don't have it.