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|my E l e c t r o n i c pen||
A p r i l 23 2002 toots settles down
we're back and restless. the structure of a week changed; in between waiting mere weeks more to be home for a full year, and projects dulled by lackadaisical lack of
decisions; poots n toots (aka jiffy pop) push around weekly activities in smaller
compartments of days ; and spend more time walking from here to there; from there
to here; rearranging in my mind; blanking out from time to time; and miraculously
managing information filled presentations. there's something about actually caring less, that improves quality. every day feels like friday and my free time seems endless.
coffee-kicks to the right, just one as she gets crowded in. burning belly disappeared
after yoga, if all miscellaneous symptoms go one by one, i'll be done by wednesday.
now it feels more like i thought it would; vague; round; and less a part of me, more
her own space; borrowed; one but two.
can't miss to mention streaming sunlight from the east;casting slats of blue stripes
behind me. there's always sunshine, no matter how dark things seem.
A p r i l 17 2002 toots takes over
water water everywhere especially in my dreams.
back on the west coast overlooking the western sea; or the pacific,
something is calling to me. not the west, but something about turning
clockwise makes it more natural. missed reverie opportunities cannot be matched with anything in realtime, consciously. am i living in the fluid with little toots?
she tumbles as the java starts to flow.
upstanding dates; and dear old friends; this week is special.
the summer heat has arrived early, as it is wont to do in this climate,
we remove coats and immediately don shorts and sun hats.
with it, a visitor cherished more than she knows, more than i could know,
intelligent, thoughtful, genuine, caring, inquisitive. it's like being children again with all the faculties of adults. like a dream; come true. and as toots taks over,
she is making dinner and providing support impossible to predict.
it's the company of friends that can only be defined as priceless.
a deep sense of calm washes over me at this moment,
java-rinsed seratonin; bowelly-happy; toots rests;
some severe clarity wraps me, the humidity is mine;
stillness becomes me; a something powerful is happening,
A p r i l 11 2002
i think the heat has arrived.this burning-skin-stretch belly is looking forward to shedding layers.
in Gosford Park, pressing silk bowties and rinsing out silk frocks wasn't lost on me.
but believe it or not; in all the reverie of a grandiose motion picture, i still yearn to believe that we can really create the past. i can smell it, though.
lovely conversations during dinner preparation with a friend working for a local suburban city; subtle translations from "Prophets de Malheurs" into corresponding politically-correct English over the speaker phone is a family thing. in retrospect, it's a distinctly Montreal-thing too i suppose. playing with words is a beautiful thing. but you know that.
A p r i l 10 2002
the tenth of this month has a particular ring to it, as if i'm forgetting someone's birthday, or a historical event. some numbers just sit well next to some months.
big boots has settled on a name for little toots and once again, i'm amazed and thankful. an about-turn from the myriad of choices, it's still quite French with a Greek origin; as was my initial childhood choice. choosing her Christian name is only left. jeffrey sits, multicoloured sequins and all, arms outstretched, waiting for popped corks, atop the wine rack. he was so easy to name. being turquoise helped.
April 09 2002 goodbye, Elizabeth
The choirs of heaven sing from the back room as a nation mourns.
miraculously, the poot and toot and boot-!-slept a whole night sound.
rejuvination into the pootly spirit, blankness of thought now replaced by clarity and genuine peace. quality sleep is my mentor, i can face the day with abandon and might actually remember this morning of mourning; trumpets wailing behind me in solemn yet pompous choruses of farewell. these are the sounds that ring into our long term memory, past and future, sounds that mean something to us without us knowing why.
now, thoughts can run thru this pootly head at a tolerable pace;
processed in order, defined and categorized without jello-brains.
like having her head back, write up a gap analysis;
tell a mEp-story; let shoulders sit low;
sleep brings us all peace.
April 08 2002 - week 26
truth be told i must be brave and ignore mistakes of the past. say goodbye to words lost and move forward; fill more pages with words, dig into deep for pootly summaries and place them here, safekeeping or no.
this poot's mind is blank more than not these days - not even stretching for thoughts, i'm tightwired between physical comforts and getting enough food. romantic descriptions of non-spring in this city are non-inspiring; i havent spent any time outside yet and i'm feeling dried up. rainy days ahead will be warmer, but what i really need is heat i can sit in and sun i can absorb.
perspective: nothing serious for one; constant gripes for another i suppose.
april 06 2002: poots and boots were so excited (or exhausted?)
that they completely forgot that they were married 4 years ago today.
in ignorance, they purchased a beautiful bed and TV-stereo armoire.
April 4 2002
the world is falling apart. let us pray.
April 2 2002
"freak" would be a gross exageration, but by Pootlystandards, it still amazes me how deep into my soul a clean house goes. and deeper as years go by. some kind of reverse cluttered mind effect, i suppose.
i'm teetering this long weekend; ups and emotional downs come perverted by physical constraints these days. in fact, it's quite amazing how well my feet hold up after little excercise and more than 20 extra pounds. i've zoomed into a glorious headspace just now, after java infusion; brilliant sunshine and a clean dining room notwithstanding.
forgotten photographs of a picturesque ginger-pecan roulade are not here,
and the effects of the entire family and new guests from an extended family enjoying the fruits of my work immensely - and immensely more than my predictions-! leave a glowing Easter feeling all over this poot. hibiscus-marinated leg of lamb, goat cheese scalloped potatoes, cilantro-chilli-stuffed capon, and 'wing-it' macaroni casserole for the little ones, if you must know.
- - - -
we're blessing ourselves for being blessed with peace;
we're making wiser decisions about furniture purchases;
we're grateful about the space we take up in this home;
and we're about to share it with someone we haven't met yet.
- - - -_______________________________________________________
"delta dawn what's that flower you have on,
could it be a faded rose from days gone by?
and did i hear you say, he was meeting you here today
to take you to his mansion in the sky"
April 1 2002
the hibiscus marinade a success, three days of sore feet later, i sit to sit.
worries of flopped ginger roulade and over-spiced capon behind me now,
exaltations on Christ's resurection are marred this year, with headline news.
i was praying for all the wrong people - can we pray for everyone at once?
and little toots becomes a part of me now, she stands behind me in strength,
a third party to our joined voice; we have faith that she will echo our beliefs.
so with saddened heart, a white rabbit to us all on this most needy of Easter
Mondays, and a grateful bow to the forces that will allow us to spend this
day in peace.