September continues...
september 09i overthink.
i can't help it.
some people over-do, i overthink.
i don't notice dirty dishes, but i sure do need lots and lots of thinking time.
it's causing me stress when i just thought i'd simplified things. grrr...
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september 3we can only call our doctor on mondays, tuesdays and thursdays between nine and twelve thirty and between one and three, and wednesdays betweeb nine and one and then not at all on thursdays. cross this information with like data from the rest of the world and it's no wonder children are committing murder and adults suicide.
plan b. simplify your life.
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september 1WHITE RABBITS
what's a conversation with an old friend...
cynthia in town - she was in town las time Cathy called
beer talk
nora talk
how's so and so did you go to europe?
i had a baby - where did the grapevine fail?
she uses carmex !! i forgot - how much can i forget?
knows all the same things about it as me
tells me - that the tube isn't as good and it's still 1.19 (is she one of
my sources?) (and how much i forget each time except the stories that we mention
each time we talk) - hey did you know that there's a roll up version
now yes i get it from Dallas (just this week i was wondering why they sell something that
you still have to put your fingers in)ironman training - 2.2 swim, 212 bike, 26 run - this is a lifestyle i
just don't desire...how different lives we lead - so close but yet so farmrs hill was the kindergarten teacher - across the hall
and her grandmother - why can't i recall
so much/ what else am i forgetting
her mom got married at our church taught at the high school
9-11 and border talk
the dog and stomach problems
gay games
how's the pottery brother?
does she remember debbie?
have i ever seen blue? i think i have.
how are my parents
she has a new job
you should stop in and see them, they'd like that.we'll speak again in a year or so...
and why do things always buzz together in cooincidences when certain people show up?
it's an oddity that people actually think of me - that they might even like me.
i spent little time in my youth on others, and have tried to make up for lost time.
but then i wonder, why are our lives still so separate
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friday, august 30catching up with mEpwords...
i ordered the summer for you;
intense heat subsides and drier sunshine repeats itself.
no rain in sight as we walk the world.it's a quagmire now, pulling without my consent,
each day we sink deeper and deeper to a point of no return
watching A.I. was a bad idea and I've struck it from my mind.
genious filmaking perhaps, but more than the empath can swallow healthily.
incredulous what the public can switch off in their hearts. scary.on the subway poots and toots summarize the faces from the corners of the world. a flashback to what my former self visioned struck me clearly. those unfamiliar city faces i would have called them - all colours shapes and sizes - i used to take for larger than life, full of mysteries in the background, making them each their own box of pandora, complex, intelligent, convoluted, full of exotisisms unknown to me. and today, august 2002, they're all of a sudden just flat. just people. they have just lives. maybe even mostly dull, and maybe hopefully i'm wrong, but smaller and smaller the older i get. let's fight this, ok?
and then in a roundabout, others who might see us exactly in that way, minus the colour.
thinking our life is complex; adventurous; a box of unknowns to them; but from the inside, just ours. just a life. even imported tequilla and focaccia become ordinary - not unappreciated, just normal.
people write books on how to fix moral conscience but how did we lose it in the first place?
i'm starting to think it was never there but just something that early television wanted us to believe in. dunno.
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Saturday, August 24th 2002 DR's birthday
it may not seem obvious, but i come here often and stare at these flowers.they're pink like her bearskin and pink like her face when she poops.
there have been some most odd events in the secret park yesterday some children were sitting up on the jungle jim horsing around. all of a sudden they started singing the mockingbird lullaby. i knew there was something funny about the fact that they were singing it and then i remembered that i was asking my parents last week what the lyrics were aFTER "and if that diamond ring don't shine". but then something even stranger happened, they got to that line and coulnd't remember the next lyrics either. well mystery solved , there;s no shine at all...
Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's going to buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's going to buy you a looking glass.
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's going to buy you a billy goat.
And if that billy goat won't pull,
Mama's going to buy you a cart and bull.
And if that cart and bull turn over,
Mama's going to buy you a dog named Rover.
And if that dog named Rover won't bark,
Mama's going to buy you a horse and cart.
And if that horse and cart fall down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town.
Tuesday, August 20th 2002
fleeting time
in may it snowed on the magnolias;
now august sun inspires and strengthens our bones
Good Morning Starshine
OliverGood morning starshine
The earth says "Hello"
You twinkle above us
We twinkle below
Good morning starshine
You lead us along
My love and me as we sing
Our early morning singing song
Gliddy glup gloopy
Nibby nabby noopy la la la lo lo
Sabba Sibby sabba
Nooby abba nabba le le lo lo
Tooby ooby walla nooby abba nabba
Early morning singing songGood morning starshine
You lead us along
My love and me as we sing
Our early morning singing song
Gliddy glup gloopy
Nibby nabby noopy la la la lo lo
Sabba Sibby sabba
Nooby abba nabba le le lo lo
Tooby ooby walla nooby abba nabba
Early morning singing song
Singing a song, humming a song
Singing a song, loving a song
Laughing a song
Sing the song, sing the song
Song the sing
Song, song, song, sing
Sing, sing, sing, song
HAiR: The American Tribal Love-Rock Musical
lyrics by James Rado & Gerome Ragni
music by Galt MacDermot
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Wednesday, August 14 2002
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Sunday, August 11 2002
the strangest thing about this entire experience,
is that it's not strange.
there hasn't been an odd moment about it -
each new thing weirdly less new than the last.
what is that?
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Friday, August 9 2002scary magazine covers tell of an odd world we didn't see coming a short time ago.
i'm sideways glancing passed it - i have little choice.it's poots and toots and the television set this friday night;
there was a time when empty space and my address book had me pacing for hours,
telling all across miles and provinces. where are they now, those motivators?
have they moved here; inward spaces; private places; you and i on the digital cave walls?
it's not for lack of reaching out, i can't say. perhaps it's only perspective, or getting older.
have the people who's phones aren't ringing noticed? does lynn think of me ever?
i can see her chest moving up and down.
i'm starting to know her.
i think she already knows me.
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August 8 2002 - Toots Day 23unveiled human generosity has a face even i don't recognize.
how could that be?sunshine pours over us, poots and toots, and the dried up flowers, now neglected in her presence. recording devices sit on standby. dinner dishes delivered an early august dinner on the patio with friends that i would rather see more often than not, under the bright blueing night sky powdered in white-lit summer clouds.
a few struggles with her bowels, and sweet pea succumbs to the slumber that only she knows so well. sweet dreams little squink squonk.
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August 6 2002tuesdays turn to saturdays and dates that go along with them mush into strings
of time connected by little toot's wants and needs.
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August 1 2002 white rabbits!i thought our neighbourhood had no collective personality; no connectdness.
last night i realized that i was wrong - i was looking at it the wrong way.
i was looking from the outside in, for something that wasn't there.
in an inward-looking moment last night, i saw it shining from the inside.
inside stone homes with small city balconies, some older people and walls of books, lives lived religiously; or wantonly too, giving not much pretense but standing for a moment, taller than the trendy hood - older, wiser, staid not flashy, historical without a name.
it was an inside looking out moment; and i captured it for myself if briefly, last night.ah the irony of writing for a crowd that doesn't exist,
and forgetting completely but completely,
just how solitary forging your own path can be.
silly me. silly you.
i'm back now from a hormonally-induced hiatus,
to write, with no less purpose, but knowing the person for whom it is written.
bless her. bless me, bless you.
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July 29 2002
watching her as she is lulled by string quartets;
i am hearing music again for the first time.
and that's not all.amid rooftop fireworks and a late july breeze i couldn't have dreamed,
we re-lived not childhood memories,
but experiences so tranquil and warm that as an adult,
are more sublime than childhood itself.
the hot hazy and humid city skyline beckoning from behind,
city balconies below frothing with flowers,
molson lites and a large Q notwithstanding,
those are the scenes that movie makers absorb and transform into parisien fantasies;
that remain pungent in your mind's eye long afterwards;
that muses can only dream of.
and precious toots gives a smile of approval.
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July 25 2002
I am a deeply superstitious person and it's truer than even i know.
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July 21 2002 And then there were Three"Don" worry, her legs won't stay like that"
"Like what? There's two of them and they each bend at her knees and end at her feet..."a flurry of life magnititudes has culminated here, at 2:06 am, July 21.
until just now, swirling only about me; clear conscious returns this mid-night
walking down the hall- rested- and she latches on mid-stride.Toots has arrived. Sound the horns...! summon all !
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July 12 2002 made it to 12an improved sense of spirit over yesterday,
notwithstanding the beautiful july sunshine.
more centering, confidence, general peace.
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July 10 2002 waiting for toots legoatten would have been a nice number; but it wasn't meant to be.
3.56 pm and many hours of sleep later, i awake with at least a bit of clarity.
enough to stir up thoughts that circled around my head during the night;
about people who are fulfilled through work and the ability to have close friends;
are the two mutually exclusive? which came first, i tend to not be sure.i've been letting music out of my life; saving energy for only what's absolutely necessary.
eating, drinking, moving the amentities around me; phones and laptops; magazines, food.
today i awake to simpler pleasures; the sounds of jim brickman resonating through the wooden unit and my brain and heart with bittersweet joy. my experiences in los angeles were painful - yet why does this music bring me somewhere with a profound sense of freedom attached to it? is that the quality i am to ascribe to having left for LA?my uterus awakens me at 5am.
keeping enough food in my stomach is the primary task throughout the day.
it's very quiet in my red living room.
the television and the stereo are consolidated but only the tv has a remote.
i nearly read the entire economist, dispite their scamming ways.
i monitor two email accounts.
watering the plants is a major project, cooking a meal another.
i spend alot of time thinking about not much, really.we humans are incredibly adaptable creatures.
if only more of us knew that.
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July 7 2002Poots and Toots are still here, together as one. Growing, eating, resting.
Doctor predicts another week, everyone else bets around her. Strong vibes
for the new moon and Thursday.Weekend events don't take from our time now, with days and days ahead of us to do with what we will.
keyboard position fills my veins with blood, nothing natural about it. i avoid the strained; the stresses if i can, and will surround our lives with peacefulness, only when impossible as imposed by others. that's the hard part. my own plans are controlled; but i can't control the rest. wish us luck.
more food, toots isn't ready yet.
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July 1st 2002Heat embraces us as little pootly fingers swell.
red tomatoes make sweet summer sandwhiches and grilled chicken
